Sometimes, I feel like it’s difficult for me to express myself. Like now, that previous sentence alone took like five minutes and a thousand backspaces just for me to decide that the thing ‘sounded right’. At first it was, “Sometimes, I find it hard to communicate.” But then I thought it sounded like something from psychotherapy or something. And I kept on editing the damn thing until I got all exasperated and just stopped. I can’t believe I just spent five minutes of my life redoing one stupid sentence. No wonder I can’t seem to get things done. It just always didn’t sound right.
There are all of these ideas in my head. I wish I could tell them to another person just as they are. But my words seem to filter them down into some other form, totally unrecognizable from what they actually were. I envy people who could pull words like ‘ennui’ or ‘genealogy’ with ease and just flawlessly use them in one fine perfect sentence. I just can’t seem to express myself like that, free and effortless. There’s always this barrier somewhere, like I’m constricted with rules that I don’t even know what. But what bothers me more is that I seem to find it easier writing sad things than happy ones. Take this post for example. I mean, right now, I’m not even anywhere near sad. But reading this, it sounded like I’m about to jump off a building or something. It’s almost like I was made to suffer. I wonder why.
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Compulsion, kom-pul’shon, n. An urge to do or say something that might be better left undone or unsaid; an irrational motive for performing trivial or repetitive actions against your will.
