But lately though I’m thinking maybe that idea is not that silly after all, regardless what most people would think of me, or even what I think of myself.
My brother once explained to me that I’m like a teddy bear when it comes to confrontations. I’m more of the passive type who thinks that relationships are far more important than seeking out correctness. When there are fights or disagreements, I tend to be quiet, giving in, the one who amicably takes the fault. In an argument, I’d rather save a relationship than prove who is right, even if I’m a hundred percent sure it was me. That is why, my brother says, when there are spats at home I just sit there not saying anything most of the time. Hence, a teddy bear. And, you know what, he’s right. I am a teddy bear.
Case in point:
Last night, our law professors decided to skip class, of course without informing us. I reckon that the reason for this secrecy is to facilitate to some kind of elaborate training in the aspects of judicial processes in the Philippines, say, the idea of a “speedy trial”. We waited a good two hours just to make sure they’re not coming. Patience is definitely a law virtue.
While waiting, between tiredness, boredom and the hopeless effort to study in the noise that was once the classroom of LLB 1, Section A, I somehow ended up talking with S, R and K, my three regular seat mates. We were having a nice pleasant chat that for some twisted reason ended up into this teasing contest, with them teasing me. Now, S, R, and K were all young ladies, and while they are relentlessly ganging up on me, I barely did anything to defend myself. Three reasons: (1) they’re girls, who, by nature, have sensitive feelings, and, I’m me, who, by nature, teases with no sense of sensitivity whatsoever; (2) I was trying to think of a way to tease a girl without hurting her feelings; and, (3) there’s no such thing as teasing a girl without hurting her feelings.
I ended up being bullied by three girls that night. Thus proving that, I’m one big stupid teddy bear, who would rather be wantonly harassed by girls than risk hurting feelings and risking friendships.
I think I’m not just a teddy bear in confrontations. I think, in one way or the other, I’m always a teddy bear, someone who is always careful in sharing himself for fear of breaking relationships – cautious to the point of never. I know of a time when I’d share my ideas with no sense of fear at all. There was that Dr. Seuss quote that Mae really liked.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”I think I lived by that at some point. But then, as I grow older, some opinions and criticisms can’t help but matter, regardless of whatever I feel about them. For every rejection, the loss of others' acceptance grows heavier than the silence of one’s ideas. Eventually, there are people you don’t want to misunderstand, and ties you cannot afford to break. I let my ideas grow quieter and quieter until I got used to simply silently witnessing, content on keeping my ideas to my own, reflecting and contemplating on them, polishing them, for maybe someday, someone still would come and ask for these ideas, and maybe understand.
In some way, I think I’m a teddy bear needing someone else’s hug to be alive.
In some way, I think we all are.
- G-man
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