Loaf

You know what I really hate about myself right now? It’s the vile fact that I always cram. I cram in everything. Anything that has a deadline, I’d cram in it. I cram in studying for my finals. I cram when submitting things at work. I cram every morning when I have to wake up, take a bath, get dressed and not be late for whatever. It’s so chronic I’m starting to think I’m addicted to it. I have this suspicion that I secretly deliberately cram, that I actually like the rush in doing things like crazy just to fit everything in a ridiculously small amount of time, all that excitement of the possibility of not making it and getting screwed up in the worst ways. I think I told Mae one time while she was panicking for her final exams that,

The most blissful form of relaxation is the kind done in the middle of a deadline.

Here is no doubt a manifestation of my perverse way of thinking, particularly on the idea of “taking it easy”. The worst part in this whole cramming business is I somehow always find a way out of any situation I cram in, which really sums things up as hopeless. It’s hard to convince myself to do things on time when I could simply slack off and still get away with it (sometimes with flying colors even).

This should stop. I can’t settle for things half-baked, petty excuses, and mediocrity. If I let myself continue on cramming, I’ll end up cramming for the rest of my life. I will not stagnate. I will be better than this. I will change.

Another thing I hate about myself is that no matter how I would tell myself to change, I can’t seem to do it. But that’s another story.

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